Give up the ghost 𓉸
"An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do."
—Dylan Thomas
> a fifth of vodka | tupac
Achieving my first 30 days of sobriety from alcohol took everything.
I had to stop desperately trying to make the world stop turning. I had to internalize that it was impossible to ever feel caught up.
To do this, I had to give up the ghost. ☠️
On the night I did, I’d just gotten out of jail from my second DUI. Broken and dispirited, I wanted to die. But my racing mind wouldn't let me.
- Alcohol is killing you. Escape while you can.
A chunky, tight-fitting monitor rested heavily on my ankle that notified a judge if I drank.
There in my car, I let go of the journalism career I loved so much.
I let go of my dream of publishing a book before I died and teaching media literacy to college kids. 📙📚
While listening to Tupac's "Keep Ya Head Up," I remembered the words of former New York Times editor Howell Raines:
"Every journalist has a book in them, and that’s exactly where it should stay."
I let go of other things, too.
I'd never married or had kids. Still in my car, I let go of finding a woman who could help me let go.
I let go of calling her "babe" in the aisles of Target on a Tuesday night. I let go of us watching PBS documentaries about important black intellectuals and the Mars rovers.
After years of needing to feel in control, a feeling of serenity began to replace it.
It felt like a tire on fire was being lifted up and away from my shoulders.
Soothing pulses crashed over me. I felt a warmth that seemed to reach every surface of my body.
Now you don’t have to die with a blazing car tire around your neck.
Now I didn’t have to live in endless fear of failure.
I realized I was no longer afraid to die.
Tears began to roll down my face.
- next time "I arranged with a man online to buy a gun."
- listening 2Pac "Keep Ya Head Up"
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